Made By My Mistakes

Have you ever messed up royally as a Christian? A sin that bursts apart your soul and makes you wonder if Jesus Christ is truly living in you? If you have, you know what it’s like to wear a burden of pain that tears at your soul. Sometimes it tears with lion claws as the enemy turns over the soil of your past and digs up half-buried memories. It can feel hard to lift your head, to feel lovable, accepted, desired. Yet, when the rain of grace falls upon that soul, what grows out of your darkest days can become your greatest gift.

Such was the case of an impetuous fisherman named Peter – a man who in a moment of bravehearted grandeur boldly declared his willingness to die rather than deny his Savior. Yet hours later he cowardly cursed at anyone suggesting he knew the carpenter’s son. His devout promise is torn to shreds by fear and confusion. A rooster’s crow marks his darkest hour. Peter has betrayed the One he loves most, and now he wonders if Jesus can ever trust his love again.

Reading the last chapter of John always puts me on pins and needles. I see myself tugging at the robes of Jesus and begging, “Please be gentle. You know Peter loves you. You know he has always loved you. Sin is stupid and fear rips us up, and we slip into darkness – but you know Peter. He has never stopped loving you….I have never stopped loving you.”

“Do you love me?” Jesus asks. Peter replies with a resounding “YES!” But Jesus asks him again…and again. Many have said that by asking three times, Jesus was reflecting on Peter’s betrayal. I can’t help but think that Peter must have flashed back too. I envision him sighing deeply and dropping his eyes as he chokes out his final answer, “Lord…you know everything. You know I love you.”

I suspect Peter’s internal dialogue ran something like this: “O Jesus, you knew I would betray you. You prophesied it. Therefore you must also know that I love you more than life itself. I am weak. But I trust you to see past the weakness and know my heart. Since you know everything, you know that I love you.” Peter loved Jesus fully – yet he sinned. But sin was powerless to separate Peter from Jesus’ love.

I believe grace rained down in bucketfuls as Peter grasped the reality that love is not hinged on behavior – it is anchored in the truth of who Jesus is – LOVE ITSELF. Jesus was not there to condemn Peter; he was there to commission him. Out of the soil of pain a tree of righteousness was growing. A tree that can only grow when planted in the truth of grace.

Peter walked away from that encounter a changed man. Maybe more changed than all the others because he hadn’t a shred of ego left that believed he “deserved” love and glory and the honor of sitting at Jesus’ right hand. He had encountered the outrageously generous love of God – and he simply loved God right back.

It is up to us in our time of darkness to remember Peter and his time of darkness. He had dedicated himself to Jesus but he had messed up – he had not stopped loving Jesus but he had just made a big mistake. We also do not stop loving Jesus who now lives within us – but we, in weakness, make mistakes.

When we enter the book of Acts, Peter “the rock” emerges. A man altered beyond recognition. A man who stands bruised, battered and bold, crying out, “Do you think God wants us to obey you rather than him? We cannot stop telling about the wonderful things we have seen and heard” (Acts 4:19). Why? Because love does not stop.

Peter’s story reminds me that Jesus uses broken people – people who have come face to face with their limitations, fears, inadequacies and selfish egocentrics. When we have crumbled before the reality of who we are and we hear God whispering, “I love you anyway. You are exactly who I want you to be at this point in your life. You are exactly who I want as a growing child in my Family.”

We, too, cannot stop telling the world about the wonderful things he has done. Obedience no longer carries a checklist of duties – it flies on the wings of love. In those moments I don’t mind so much being “made” by my mistakes.

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